The Seven Crystal Restaurant
by Bandicoot Sauce
Summary: Cortex opens a restaurant to make money. Nina isn't too happy about his employee lineup, though... But it's the customers that'll really make the place come alive.
1. The Plan

**The Seven Crystal Restaurant**

Chapter 1: The Plan

_Crash. Clang. Clatter._

Nina groaned, looking up from her book, _Gothic Style in the Workplace_, as sound could be heard from the hallway. She heard her uncle yell something, followed by N. Gin protesting in a frightened tone, and then there was quiet for about thirty seconds before the door burst open and Neo Cortex walked into the room, an unusually cheerful look on his face. The first thing Nina noticed was that he was wearing a different outfit to his usual white lab coat and generic boots.

"Uh, I know I'll regret asking this, but why are you dressed like that?" the Goth teen asked.

Cortex looked down at his new skin-tight body suit, which was completely black. It reminded Nina of a ninja outfit he had once tried wearing. (Play _Crash Tag Team Racing_ for more info.)

"What wrong with it?" he asked. "I brought it today. Thought you might like it, actually."

"First I want to know why."

Cortex sighed, his good mood shifting back into the depression that had been present for some time now. "Nina, look around us." he said, indicating the large apartment they were in. "Since we last lost to Crash-"

"You mean, since _you_ last lost to Crash." Nina muttered.

"Whatever! The point is, we haven't really been doing too well. We're living directly across from a single father with six rotten kids who pull 'knock and runs' every two hours."

"Not to mention N. Gin somehow swindling his way into the apartment next to ours."

"We all took what we could get, Nina. Anyway, the landlord has been on and off my case about the rent and-"

"And that creepy teenager on the second floor who keeps eyeing my butt when he thinks I'm not looking."

"Yes, well-"

"And, of course, the water cooler in the lobby with a dead cockroach floating in it."

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Cortex shouted, pulling at the hair on the sides of his head. "That's exactly my point! We've hit rock bottom! Or, at least, that's how I looked at it until recently." WIth that last part, a sly grin crept back onto his features.

Nina brushed a strand of long hair out of her face (she let it grow since _Mind Over Mutant_), raising an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Cortex scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, I know it hasn't been easy, working for a living. Most employers don't jump at the chance to hire people with a history of evil, especially a history of failed evil. N. Tropy actually skipped over a few generations until the whole thing blew over and came back to our time with a fancy car, bags of money and two girls who are hot in his opinion only." He shuddered slightly at the memory. "Of course, you know what Tropy's like; he wasn't willing to share any of his success with his former colleagues, the jerk. But anyway, as I filled out some paperwork at the office-"

"You mean that sorry looking cubicle you have at that insurance company."

"Yes, that 'sorry looking cubicle', as you put it. Anyway, as I disapproved a few last minute loans for the day, I had some time to think and I realised that our lives would only continue to be miserable if we keep dwelling on our past failures, and I mean _our_ past failures, not just mine!" he said sharply as Nina started to open her mouth. "N. Gin and the others had their part in it, too!" He straightened up a little before stating the next part. "I think it's time we all moved on."

"Meaning…?"

"Meaning that I have a plan that-"

"Oh, God."

"Just listen. I've been thinking-"

"What's seldom is wonderful."

"I've been thinking that I, the great Neo Cortex-"

"Here it comes."

"WILL YOU STOP THAT?! I think we should go into business for ourselves."

"Thank you and good night, sponsor."

"Oh, shut your trap, will you?" Cortex said warningly. "N. Gin has been doing some behind the scenes 'work' and I think that we have the solution to our problems."

"Suicide?"

"One more word out of you, missy, and I'll lock you in the dungeon for the night!"

"We don't have a dungeon anymore, Uncle. We don't have a castle or a mansion or a space station. By our standards, we're living in poverty!"

"Nina, I'm tired, the readers are getting impatient and I've told you a thousand times to take your medicine for your… time of the month. Now, will you listen to what I'm trying to say, or would you rather go to your room?"

"Do you want a straight answer?"

"That does it! No cell phone for three weeks! No Facebook, no Twitter, no emailing anyone, nothing! I'm trying to say that I'm going to open a restaurant!"

Nina looked at him for a full ten seconds, and then she burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Tears of mirth began to rain down her face, smearing her dark make-up and she fell to the floor, pounding her fists on the shag carpet.

"BWAHAHAHA! You, running a restaurant? Oh that's…! Hahaha! That's priceless! (_snicker_) 'Oh, good evening, sir or madam. Would you like your soup in a bowl or would you rather just follow me into the kitchen and shove my face in it there?' Heehee!"

"No, I'm serious, Nina. The plan is that N. Gin and I will manage the place, and I managed to convince N. Brio to be in charge of the drinks. Seeing as N. Tropy is now rich, I figure that if we can get him to sponsor our restaurant, we'll be able to gradually expand our business across all of the Wumpa Islands, maybe even the mainland of Australia and beyond!"

Nina finally managed to stop laughing, save for the occasional giggle that slipped out. "Yeah, well, how do you hope to get Tropy to support your cause? You and him aren't exactly on good terms with each other."

"Then we'll wait on him. We'll let him see with his own eyes that our business is worth his time and money."

"Money, unlikely. Time, definitely not. Besides, who'd be stupid enough to work as your waiter?"

"Not waiter, Nina Cortex. _Waitress_."

Nina's face became a mask of absolute horror. "No. No! Uncle Neo, please! NOOOOO!"


	2. A Rare Purple Customer

Chapter 2: A Rare Purple Customer

Cortex poked his head through the kitchen doors. "N. Gin! How's it coming along?"

"It's under control, Doctor." replied, straightening the chef hat concealing his missile. "I've made a few modifications to the beef stew."

Cortex rolled his eyes. "N. Gin, I know this is fanfiction, but the 'made a few modifications' bit is getting old." With that, he left to check on Nina. Speaking of whom…

The Seven Crystal Restaurant had been open for about a week and Nina was ready to crack. She was taking orders left, right and centre, getting them mixed up half of the time. Families with children were particularly irksome for her, with the brats poking their tongues out at her when their parents weren't looking. More than once, Nina had ducked out into the back alley, trying to uncurl her metal fists, which were shaking from anger. She longed to punch someone and vent some frustration, but she forced herself to calm down and take yet another one of her calming tablets, which she had been on since starting this whole ordeal. The one thing that kept her going was that with the money her uncle was paying her, she could stop washing her hair with cheap, second-rate shampoos and go back to the top quality salon-approved brands that she had taken for granted as an evil mastermind-in-training.

Apparently, customers had been complaining to the management (Cortex himself) about the service, having to wait to be served for periods of time that they deemed 'unnecessarily long'. As such, Nina was now wearing roller skates to get around faster. If that on it's own wasn't bad enough, the skates were the old-fashioned kind with no brakes and as Nina could barely skate anyway, she often found herself falling onto her back, thinking about how much she hated her life as cherry pies that she'd been holding seconds before descended to destroy an extra hour's effort of perfecting her Gothic make-up to try and make a good impression on these down-trodden, good for nothing, lousy-

Nina looked up from taking some young couple's order at the sound of interested murmurs throughout the place. Everyone was looking at the main entrance as someone walked into the restaurant, wearing thick sunglasses and looking like he didn't want to draw attention to himself.

The newcomer was a young looking purple dragon with wings folded back and golden scales trailing down his tail. He made his way over to a table near the wall and sat, picking up a menu with his front legs. A few people - young teenagers mostly - actually got up and went over to him, but he waved them away with a clawed hand (foot?).

"Sorry, no autographs tonight. I'm here to relax."

Nina whirled around, about to hurry and find her uncle, but Cortex was coming her way at that moment. "Ah, Nina." he greeted. He seemed to be in a good mood. "I trust you're doing a good job, my niece?"

Nina just grabbed him and quickly ushered him into the kitchen. He exclaimed in protest. "Nina! What is the meaning of this?"

"Uncle, look who's at Table 9."

Cortex looked, frowning in puzzlement at first, not sure what his niece was getting at, but then it clicked.

"Isn't that Spyro the Dragon? What's he doing in this fanfic? This isn't a crossover!"

"Maybe he's making a cameo." N. Gin. suggested, coming over, polishing a glass.

Cortex looked at him. "N. Gin, why are you polishing that glass?"

"It's my job, Doctor Cortex. Remember?"

"You idiot! You are in charge of cooking and N. Brio is in charge of the drinks! Not the other way around! Now get your head on straight and get some work done!"

"Yes, Doctor!" the moronic cyborg replied, scrambling to his post, tripping over this and that.

"Uncle, if we can stay on track for a minute, I'm not serving him." Nina stated, folding her arms.

"What? Why not?"

"Aren't you forgetting that he and Crash Bandicoot locked me in a cage when I was six?" (_Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto's Rampage_)

"Hmmm. Yes, I distinctly remember you crying over something to do with a 'purple puppy'…

_Flashback_

_"Nina, what happened?!" Cortex exclaimed as he walked into the play room. "You were supposed to watch the prisoners!"_

_"Waahhh!" bawled Nina from the confinements of the cage. "The mean purple puppy and the furry orange thing wouldn't play with me! Then they took away the people you told me to watch and locked me in here! Waaahahahh!"_

_"Furry orange…?" Cortex growled in rage, punching the air. "It's one thing to foil my evil plans, but to imprison my sweet little niece… Now, it's personal! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, CRASH BANDICOOT! I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I-"_

_"WAAAHHH! Let me outta here!"_

_Back to the present_

"…But that's ancient history!" Cortex declared. "Go on, Nina. Serve our customer."

"But uncle-!"

"No 'but's, Nina Cortex! We can't afford to turn down a celebrity customer. He must be filthy rich."

Nina tried to protest, but Cortex pushed her through the double doors and into the dining area. She sighed, made sure the lowercase 'n' on her forehead was concealed by her hair and walked over.

_Be cool, Nina_, she told herself. _He's just another customer_.

"Uh, welcome. What'll you be having this evening?"

Spyro looked up from his menu. "Ah, yes, well, I think I might like to try…" He stopped, looking at Nina. He tilted his head in puzzlement. "You look familiar. Have we met?"

"Not that I know of." Nina said automatically.

Spyro shrugged, glancing back at the menu. "Yeah, I reckon I'll have the smoked ham."

Nina nearly dropped the pencil and notepad she was holding. The smoked ham was the largest and most expensive thing on the menu. Nobody had ordered it until now. She wasn't even sure if…

"Right'o. One smoked ham coming right up." she said, chuckling nervously. She wrote down the note and tore into the kitchen like lightning.

"Spyro's ordered the smoked ham." She gasped. Cortex and N. Gin stood there for a moment and then cheered. They jumped around, whooping like idiots before their joyful laughter faded away to be replaced with worry.

"Hang on. Do we even have any ham?" Cortex asked.

"I don't think so, Doctor." N. Gin replied, disappearing into the storage pantry. He came out and shook his head. Cortex gasped.

"This is too big an opportunity. We can't disappoint a famous customer like Spyro. If he spreads the word, we'll be ruined! We'll end up even worse off than before! Nina, see if you can change his mind!"

The Goth teen hurried out and came back a few seconds later, shaking her head. He says he's willing to wait a while if he needs to. He's waiting for a friend, apparently."

Cortex made a noise like Homer Simpson on the verge of a major freak-out. "Alright! I'll see to this personally! If Spyro wants ham, I know where to find some! N. Gin, you're… uh, on second thought, Nina will be in charge until I get back!"

"You're not thinking what I think you are, are you, Doctor Cortex?" N. Gin asked, worried.

"I'm afraid so, N. Gin." Cortex said, pulling out his old ray gun. "I'm afraid so."

_Later, on N. Sanity Island…_

"Crash, get off your butt and help me with this!"

Crash grumbled in reply and forced himself to rise from his comfortable spot on the couch and go and help Coco set the table. Coco suddenly remembered what happened the last time Crash had tried to set the table and didn't particularly feel like sweeping up broken china again. "Oh, actually, Crash, you can go and feed the pets."

Crash just shrugged and mumbled some gibberish that probably meant, "Whatever."

Meanwhile, outside the house, a figure darted from the shadow of one tree to the next, making his way to a small fenced enclosure that was littered with hay.

Cortex stepped out into the moonlight, watching Crash's relatively new pet hog paw gingerly at the ground of it's enclosure.

"Well, it's not a pig, but it'll still qualify as ham." the ex-scientist muttered. He set his ray gun to 'stun' and was about to fire when he heard humming nearby. He dived into the bushes and watched as Crash walked into view, carrying a large sack of loose hay. He scattered a big pile in front of the hog and it bent down and chewed gratefully. I't looked up from the meal and nuzzled Crash's gloved hand. The bandicoot smiled and gently scratched the hog behind the ears, his back to Cortex.

An idea occurred to the evil genius and he grinned wickedly, setting his gun from 'stun' to 'incinerate'. He would never get a better chance to be rid of his greatest nemesis. He aimed, charged up power and…

"Caw! Caw!"

A seagull flew overhead, its cry startling Cortex so that his shot went astray, hitting a tree and completely severing the trunk, making it fall in front of Crash. He shrieked and double jumped higher than usual, looking around in fright as his feet touched solid ground again.

"Blast." whispered Cortex in annoyance. He tried to reset his gun, but accidentally activated the voicemail system on it, setting off his ringtone, which was the sound of Cortex laughing maniacally - not exactly the sort of sound that ought to be blaring out into the night when his mortal enemy was standing just a few feet away. Sure enough, Crash gritted his teeth, alert and ready to fight. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a glowing green orb, which he threw at his feet. There was a flash of light and Crash was sitting atop a large mutant that gave off a blisteringly cold air - a Ratcicle.

"Oh, mama." Cortex mumbled as he shut off the ringtone. "This is going to be a harrowing night."

**Will Cortex succeed in acquiring some ham? Or will Crash send our beloved scientist packing again? And what of the situation back at the restaurant? What's happening with Nina while her uncle is out of the picture? And who is the friend that Spyro is waiting for? Find out in the next chapter!**


	3. Potions and Publicity

Chapter 3: Potions and Publicity

"Typical." N. Brio muttered as he cleaned a glass in the wine storage area. "Cortex is out there sucking up all the glory while I chase rats out from between the barrels. I invented the concept of the Seven Crystal Restaurant and he stuck his name all over it! AGAIN! One of these days, that treacherous Cortex will have to wake up and give credit where it's due. After all, let's not forget that I… was in… the first GAAAAAME!"

He reached for his glass of brandy, realising too late that he had mistakenly gabbed and drained a beaker full of his infamous Mutagen formula...

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, N. Gin and Nina noticed that Cortex had been gone for a while now and the chances of him returning with the goods looked increasingly slim.

Nina sighed. "I guess I should go and try to get Spyro to change his order again."

N. Gin wasn't even listening. He was filling out a note for the suggestion box. Nina looked at it and rolled her eyes. He was was trying to request Hawaiian Shirt Day. She pushed the swinging double doors open and walked out into the dining area. As she approached Spyro's table, she saw the purple dragon put his cell phone away and rest his head on his front paws, looking depressed. His eyes looked at her as she approached, but other than that he didn't move in the slightest. Nina tried not to smile; she loved someone else's misfortune. Before she could say anything, Spyro cut in and said simply:

"Cancel my order."

While this was a relief to Nina, she hadn't been expecting that. "Wha…? But why?"

Spyro sighed. "My friend's not coming. His old phobia is acting up again."

Nina didn't care for gossip, but this was gossip about unfortunate events, and to her that was always tasty. "His phobia?"

"Yeah. He calls it his 'fresh air a-phobia'. Basically he's used to travelling underground and anywhere above ground is seriously outside his comfort zone. He's a mole, by the way, just in case you were wondering." He straightened up. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't very hungry, anyway."

Nina raised her eyebrows. "You ordered a whole ham and weren't hungry?"

"Please don't rub it in."

"Whatever. I don't care either way."

"You must've cared, or you wouldn't have bothered listening."

"Is that a fact?" Nina asked, starting to get annoyed.

"Yeah. Maybe it is." Spyro said, suddenly irritable.

"Well, next time you have a really pathetic sob story, keep it to yourself!" Nina spat.

"Wha…?! What kind of waitress are you?" Spyro exclaimed.

"The kind who tells guys like you to shut up and mind their own business!"

"_I_ should mind my own business?! Who's the one who made herself part of the conversation without being asked?"

"Well, I… uh… Shut up!"

"Make me!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Alright then! Go ahead, girlfriend, and see what happens!"

"Is that a threat?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean…" Spyro shuddered in disgust. "I'm getting out of here before I do something I regret." he declared, getting up!

"Don't let me hold you back!" Nina growled, brandishing her metal fists.

"ROOOOOAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!"

The pair turned to see a large green musclebound monster lumbering into the room. Customers screamed and started to flee. Nina put her head in her hands and moaned.

N. Brio started across the restaurant, picking up tables and chairs and either smashing or throwing them.

"Doom! N. Gin screamed in panic, running around in a mad panic. "Doomy doomy doom doom!"

Spyro leapt into action, spitting fireballs at N. Brio. Nina gasped at this and leapt in front of him, holding a chair as a makeshift shield. The Skylander (yeah, I went there) stopped fighting and looked at her like she was mad.

"What the heck are you DOING?" he shrieked. "We need to stop that thing!"

"No! You don't understand!" Nina protested, but at that moment, N. Brio stepped up behind her and batted her aside, knocking her clean across the restaurant. She hit the wall and groaned, rubbing her arm as she got up. No! Don't! Stop!" she cried, hurrying back over. "He's not a monster! Well, he is, obviously, but…"

Her troubles got worse as her uncle suddenly came charging through the front door, riding on the back of a hog and screaming in terror. Behind him, on the shoulders of a mutant, was…"

"Oh, for the love of…" Nina stopped trying to help and reached into her pocket, pulling out her calming tablets. She took about six of them. "Anybody got any water?" her request was completely ignored as Spyro looked at Crash Bandicoot in bewildered awe.

"Is that Crash Bandicoot? And is he controlling that…? Whoa! Now _that_ is cool!"

Utilising the Ratcicle, Crash sent an icy fissure at N. Brio, ensnaring him in enough ice to hold him in place. The mad alchemist roared in protest. Crash followed up by raking at the monster with the Ratcicle's claws. Noticing Spyro, Crash grinned and moved aside. Understanding the cue, Spyro used his flame breath to melt the ice, creating a slippery puddle on the floor. N. Brio lost his footing and fell onto his back. He attempted to get up, but ended up falling face first this time. He just kept lying there after that, growling in frustration.

"Yeah!" Spyro cried in triumph as Crash stored his mutant in his pocket. He reached over and gave the bandicoot a high five.

Nina just stared down at the flailing N. Brio indifferently, her drugs making her woozy. She gave him and the two heroes the rude finger and then toppled where she stood, the meds and the harrowing events catching up with her. Crash caught her. Spyro furrowed his brow in concern.

"Say, isn't that Nina Cortex?" he asked. Crash nodded.

People suddenly started flowing back into the place, cheering for the heroes.

_The next day…_

Cortex let out a frustrated sigh. "Not surprising in the least." he muttered as he looked at the morning paper. He tossed it to Nina, who instantly felt sick with anger and disgust. The front page showed a picture of their restaurant from last night, with tables overturned and N. Brio collapsed on the floor. Crash and Spyro stood in front of him, smiling for the press. Crash was waving with one hand and supporting Nina with the other, holding her upright by the arm while she hung limply, unconscious, in his grip. Spyro was making bunny ears behind Nina's head. The headline and article were even worse.

_HEROES SAVE LOCAL RESTAURANT_

_A bewildering scene of mayhem unfolded at a local restaurant on Wumpa Island last night. At approximately 7:45pm, What was reported as a large green monster suddenly and inexplicably appeared and went rampant in the establishment known as the Seven Crystal Restaurant. Fortunately, known celebrities and heroes Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon were at the scene and succeeded in subduing the threat, saving an unnamed staff member in the process._

_Reporters interviewed Mister Bandicoot about his feelings during the duration of his battle. Unfortunately, his accent proved to be very strong and the only word our reporters could translate was 'pancakes'. We can only assume that Crash Bandicoot greatly approves of the pancakes served at Seven Crystal and that he intended to enjoy said cuisine during the aftermath of his heroic actions. Spyro refused to answer interviewer questions and left the establishment shortly afterwards, but then, that's a hero for you; always on the move._

_Restaurant owner and manager Neo Cortex didn't answer any of our questions directly, but he apparently had this to say: "The next time I need ham, I'll get some slices of it at the nearest deli and get back in time to keep that ungrateful fool in check." (Continued on page 2)._

**…And that brings the chapter to an awkward and embarrassing end for Team Cortex. Next time: we'll see an interesting affair in store for Nina, a few changes in the restaurant and more of our favourite bandicoot warrior and his family. Stay tuned!**


	4. Love in the Time of Bandicoots

Chapter 4: Love in the Time of Bandicoots

Business was booming.

It had been a few weeks since the publicity incident with Crash and Spyro and Cortex had been certain that the shit had hit the fan, but when word got out that celebrities had dined at the Seven Crystal Restaurant, customers were flocking to the place. It was now one of the most popular dinner spots in Wumpa City. With the extra money, Cortex had put in a stage for nightly entertainments and now, customers were treated with band performances and magic acts while enjoying their meals.

And speaking of meals…

"May I take your order now, sir?"

The customer looked up from his menu to see a certain Gothic waitress with metallic hands holding a pencil and paper at the ready. What took the customer by surprise was her smile. He had been coming here every few nights for a time now, but he had never seen the waitress smiling before.

As Nina returned to the kitchen and hung the order slip up for N. Gin to find, Doctor Cortex came over. He was in a very good mood.

"Nina, I'm proud of you." he said. "You've really put your best foot forward."

"Thanks, uncle." Nina said, before she briefly became lost in her own thoughts. "You know, sometimes I think about the days when we'd put our worst foot forward with every intention of doing so to forward our own goals. Do you ever think about those days, uncle?"

Cortex opened his mouth to respond, still smiling, but then his smile faltered and his words failed. He suddenly had a look in his eye that Nina had never seen before. Cortex shuffled his feet uncomfortably and turned away.

"Nina, my sweet, go and serve the next customer." he said in what he probably thought was a casual manner.

"Uncle? Is something wrong?" Nina asked. Cortex just waved her away. Not sure what to think, Nina walked towards the double doors leading to the dining room as N. Gin staggered by, burdened by the weight of a very precariously stacked mountain of saucepans in his hands. As Nina left the kitchen and the doors swung closed behind her, an enormous crash sounded. She rolled her eyes and started forward, coming to a dead halt as she saw some customers walk in.

It was Crash Bandicoot and family. Coco, Crunch, even Aku Aku. The whole lot of them altogether. Something told Nina that this was going to be one hell of a night. She bit her lip, quickly used a make-up mirror to make sure her eyeshadow wasn't running, and proceeded towards them. They were just chatting amongst themselves, laughing and joking, yet to even notice the metal-handed Goth.

"Hey! Psst! Waitress, have you got a second?"

Nina was relieved to be able to turn her attention away from the Bandicoots, but that was short lived when she realised who had softly called out to her from a nearby table.

Remember that 'creepy teenager' Nina mentioned in the first chapter? There he was, in the flesh, his messy brown hair looking ridiculous with the fringe clumsily matted down with gel. He was dressed in a casual T-shirt with a picture of Link from _The Legend of Zelda_ on it. (I just had to throw in that reference.) Even before Nina approached him, she noticed that he smelt strongly of Axe body spray.

"Oh. It's you." the Goth said simply, not really sure what to say. Apart from walking past him in the apartment building's corridors, she barely knew him at all. She didn't even know his name.

"Is your name Nina Cortex?" he asked immediately.

"Nina hesitated, not sure where this was going. "Uh, who wants to know?"

"Jack Goodwill, at your service." he said, reaching out to shake her hand. "I've seen you around the apartment building of 26th Street, but I've never had much of a chance to speak to you, what with your father and all. Is he your father? The guy with the 'N' tattoo not unlike yours?"

"Uncle." Nina corrected. "So, what can I get you, uh, Jack?"

"Well, actually, I have a little something for you, Nina." he replied. He turned away for a moment and Nina raised her eyebrows. What could he mean by…?

"Here." he said at last, holding out a rose. Nina could hardly believe it. A rose? For her? from a boy? When did this happen? She had never had anything close to a love life, even at Evil School. She felt herself going red as she slowly reached out to take the rose. "Well, thank you." she said, still bewildered. "But why?"

"Because you're something special, Nina Cortex." Jack declared, taking her hand. "I've seen the way people react when they see you on the street. They hurry past without making eye contact. They murmur to their kids not to talk to 'someone like that'. You have metal hands and you're Goth. A lot of people don't understand Goths like you and people always fear what they don't understand. Not me, though. I see the beauty in your darkness, the spirt in your metal flesh, the warmth beyond the cold exterior. I know this is sudden, but would you like to date me? I could show them all just how wrong they are about you."

Nina was caught in a battle raging inside her mind. Cortex had always said that relationships were trouble and would steer her astray, but considering his track record of dates, he was probably biased due to loving and losing. This boy was strange to her, but he was so romantic for someone so young. So romantic…

Nina motioned to an Emergency Exit door nearby. "Meet me out there in ten minutes." she whispered. And with that, she hurried to the bathroom and pulled out her tube of black lipstick, wiping off the current layer and applying a fresh, glossy one to her lips. She then hurriedly combed her hair. Again. For the third time that evening. This was going to be one hell of a night, alright, but not as she had originally anticipated…

Meanwhile, Crunch had noticed the dip in frequency of service and decided to try and find out what was going on. He went over to the bar where N. Brio was cleaning a glass, muttering to himself. The balding inventor looked up, his eyes narrowing as he took in the sight of the musclebound bandicoot with one iron arm.

"Yes, yes, what will it be?" Brio said with boredom, trying not to be intimidated by Crunch's sheer size as the bartender held the half-cleaned glass under the nearest beer tap.

"Never mind the drinks, fool." Crunch said simply. He addressed everyone as 'fool'. It wasn't meant to be disrespectful; it was just his way. "My family and I have been waitin' to be waited on for a while now and I was just wonderin', what's the hold up?"

N. Brio looked thoroughly annoyed at Crunch's demeanour. "I can assure you, sir, that everything is under control. We have many loyal customers we must attend to and will surely reach yourself before too long. There is no problem present, Mister Bandicoot." he finished, sneering out Crunch's name. The muscular marsupial was about to reach over the counter and teach the alchemist some manners when N. Gin came running over.

"Brio! We have a problem!"

Crunch raised his eyebrows, a smug smile spreading over his face at the statement that contradicted Brio's words. The bartender groaned. "Yes, N. Gin, what is it?"

"It's Doctor Cortex. He's… Well, you'd better come see."

Rolling his eyes, Brio followed the clueless cyborg. He was not at all prepared for the sight that met his eyes as he stepped through the kitchen doors.

**What crisis has emerged? And what of Nina and that teenager? Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	5. Going Out With A Spin

Chapter 5: Going Out WIth A Spin

The mere sight was appalling.

Cortex sat there in the middle of the floor, crying like a little girl and holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand.

"I don't want to do this anymore!" he howled. "I miss being evil!"

"But Doctor, we all agreed that we needed to move on." N. Gin reminded him gently, helping Cortex to his feet.

"I didn't." N. Brio muttered. N. Gin shot him a look as he took the bottle from Cortex's hand.

"Come on, now, Doctor Cortex. You can't fall apart like this. Think of your customers. Think of the money."

Cortex sniffed. "You're… You're right." he said at last. "I need to pull myself together. Can't keep focusing on the past… Brio! Pour me some black coffee!"

"I invented black coffee." N. Brio growled to no one in particular as he walked off.

"Where's Nina?" Cortex asked. "She hasn't come in here with orders for about twenty minutes."

Once Cortex had sobered up a bit, he and N. Gin started to search around for the metal-handed Goth. They found her in the back alley and their jaws dropped at the scene in front of them.

Nina had her arms around Jack Goodwill and he had a hand on the back of her head. Nina's top was partially open, revealing her bra. Her hair was ruffled and Jack had black lipstick marks on his forehead and cheeks. They were making out furiously, toppling over sideways even as the Goth's uncle and his sidekick looked on.

"NINA! WHAT…?!" Cortex shrieked. The teenagers broke apart hurriedly. Jack had a rose in his teeth. Nina turned even paler. What would her uncle do?

"Nina, your break doesn't start for ten minutes! Stop kissing that boy and get back to work! And make sure you zip up that top while you're at it, young lady!"

"Oh, uh, yes, uncle!" Nina cried hurriedly as she raced back into the building. Jack just stood there, not sure what to do now that Cortex had stepped in on his actions.

"What are you waiting for, kid? Shoo! Or better yet, enter through the front door and order something! Either way, get outta my sight!"

_Two weeks later…_

"Well, I guess that's the end of this fanfic." Nina said, shrugging.

"Wait, what?!" Cortex exclaimed. "When did this happen?!"

"Haven't you been paying attention, Doctor?" N. Gin asked.

"Oh, forget it." N. Tropy stated. "I'll just post up what happened for the readers and you can check it, too, Doc."

_Nina went on five dates with Jack Goodwill, but he ended up cheating on her for Coco Bandicoot. Coco broke his nose, however, when he tried to touch her inappropriately._

_N. Tropy finally showed up at the restaurant. N. Gin spilt soup on him and he used his authority gained in the future to shut the Seven Crystal Restaurant down. The time master's hot girlfriends broke up with him shortly afterward for reasons that can not be disclosed… unless you really like Justin Bieber. Just kidding about that last part._

_Cortex returned to his dead-end career as a villain bent on world domination. In spite of everything, he's never been happier, even though his Flux Capacitor, Triforce of Power and latest issue of _Total Girl_ magazine are yet to arrive in the mail._

_Coco took part in a hypnotist act during opening night while the restaurant was still open. The post hypnotic suggestions led her to go on a spiritual adventure of self discovery and money making. It ended after Crunch 'found' her in her bedroom, knowingly 'abusing' the 'powers' of a vibrator._

_Aku Aku worked as a food critic to write an article on the restaurant's food. He and the Bandicoots were never actually served because N. Gin had apparently been swimming in the beef casserole, inexplicably wearing a bra and singing the Y.M.C.A song._

_Chuck Norris was supposed to make guest appearance, but the author didn't see the awesomeness in him that everyone else saw. Crunch reacted by taking the author into a quiet room and beating the shit out of him._

_His job done (whatever that was), Crash returned home to his beloved beach. Shortly afterwards, he snuck over to Cortex Island and proceeded to smash all of Cortex's crates of luggage which the Doctor had yet to unpack after moving back home._

_In fact, Crash is still smashing the crates right now._

"Hey! HEY!" yelled Cortex, racing to the window after reading the on-screen text. "Stop that! Those are my…! OI! That's my underwear! You can't just…! Oh, no. No! NO! THAT'S MY NEW SUPPLY OF NITROGLYCERIN! DON'T BE A FOOL! OH, F-!"

_KABLAMMO!_

**Don't worry, folks. Crash and all his pals will be alright. They all have health insurance that won't expire for at least the next three hours after you read this!**

**Seriously, though, I really hope you enjoyed this wacky comedy fest of utter randomness. Keep followin' my stories, and remember:**

**CRASH BANDICOOT WILL RETURN.**

**If it's at all possible, he'll return. (**_Whimper!_**) Peace out!**

**Y'know, I have a feeling I forgot something. Or maybe someone.**

**Uka Uka: "Me, you incompetent writer! How dare you leave the great Uka Uka out of a Crash Bandicoot Fanfic!"**

**Uh, oh. I'll see you later, readers! (Maybe.) So Long!**


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